Thea must make a difficult choice, as the Battle for Utopia rages.
Season 2
Episode 7 - The End, My Only Friend
Scene 1: Puke City
[Ext: Aurora River. DM, Thea, Astris, Kinkfloof, Gilthaniel]
[SFX - water flow, paddling, quiet morning nature sounds]
DM:
Welcome back lovely listeners, we join our heroes as they travel North, up the Aurora River to rescue the Green God Oberon. Gilthaniel's canoe is crowded – carrying him and Bonejaw, in addition to Thea, Astris and Kinkfloof.
Thea:
(barfy)
Oh gods, how much longer are we gonna be on this boat? Who knew the current going the opposite direction would be so bumpy.
Astris:
Here let me hold your hair, Thea.
Thea:
Thanks Astris… (bllllehhhhggg) Gilt, don't look at me. I don't want you to see me like this…
[SFX - barf hitting the water]
Gilthaniel:
(gently amused)
I'm not looking, Thea. I can hear everything. But I'm not looking.
Thea:
Bonejaw get out of my - oh gods don't try to eat it.
[SFX - dog aww whine]
Kinkfloof:
Don't take it personally, BJ. She's just like this.
Gilthaniel:
(voice hushed)
We're approaching Haven, everyone under the tarp. Stay low, stay quiet. The fog should obscure us pretty well.
[SFX - tarp, boat movement, water current, scuffling]
DM:
They duck under a tarp as they pass through the Covenant-occupied town of Haven. They travel slowly through the water, barely creating a ripple. The fog keeps them mostly obscured from the shore. It’s quiet and somber, the once bustling morning markets now gone.
Thea:
(urpy)
(sick burp) Hey, where are all the hawthorne trees that used to line the river?
Astris:
(hushed)
Oh dang. It's like the river is naked. And are my eyes confused or is the water shiny?
Kinkfloof:
(hushed)
Oh ew, it is. I used to catch fish out of this river, but now I can't see anything. Are there even fish in here anymore?
Thea:
(hushed)
It's been ten years. And the Covenant has utterly ruined Haven.
Gilthaniel:
(hushed)
Keep your voices down. We're almost through.
Astris:
(hushed)
Oh, sorry..
Thea:
(Loud barf noise)
Scene 2: Tie That Up
[Ext: Feywild. Later. DM, Thea, Astris, Giltha niel]
[SFX: boat in water, fighting, fire, dragon, kobolds]
DM:
Our canoe of heroes makes its way up the Aurora river, crossing into the feywild. Once through the now tattered veil they are met with chaos and battle. Hordes of Covenant and undead crash upon the lines of feywild denizens.
DM:
Dryads, faeries, awoken creatures and plants, Raul, and to their relief Glasswing, now with only one wing, hold strong to push back the invaders. Glasswing gives a mighty roar as she breathes flame on the Covenant backlines.
[SFX - dragon roar, flame]
Thea:
(Gasp) Glasswing! Oh, I'm so glad she's okay!
Astris:
And that's Raul and his kobolds! Looks like our efforts in the wind plane weren't for nothing!
Kobold Chorus:
Raul! Raul! Raul!
[SFX - bonejaw barks at kobolds]
Thea:
Looks like the fey aren't going down without a fight! I wish I could let them know we're here but we absoLUTEly can't draw attention to ourselves like that.
[SFX - water ripple, boat bottom thud]
Thea:
Whoa, this boat is really bookin' it now.
Gilthaniel:
I'm not controlling the boat anymore, we're being taken.
DM:
Just as Thea is about to be concerned their boat rises out of the water, revealing the giant alligator that helped them leave the feywild all that time ago.
Thea:
Holy shit. It's you, I'm glad you're alright. Please take us to Oberon as fast as you can.
[SFX - Gator purr, apparently, moving through water faster]
DM:
The alligator wends its way up the winding river, seeing more destruction as they go. The tracks of the weapon from the Flaming Coast can be seen not far from the riverbank. The path of devastation is wide, all the plant life it trampled looks dead and drained.
Thea:
(choked up a little)
Everything the Smiler touches turns to shit. Look at what he's doing to the feywild Astris.
Astris:
I know things look bad Thea, but don't give up hope. He's still alive. (beat) Whoa, okay. The alligator stopped.
[SFX boat stop]
Gilthaniel:
Well, it seems like this is where we disembark. The path of destruction turns inland. (beat) Give me your hand Thea, let me help you to shore.
[SFX - boat creak, footsteps (wooden and mud/water), water sloshing on shore]
Thea:
Thank you, Gilt. (deep steadying breath) Alright, let's go.
[SFX - footsteps, human and dog]
Astris:
The forest around the tread path seems to be getting more dense. Does this look familiar to you at all Thea?
Thea:
No? Hard to say. This place seems like it's in constant flux, add in the time shift fuckery and I have no idea what's where or when.
[SFX: Bonejaw growling at bad stuff, footsteps stop]
Gilthaniel:
What is it boy?
[SFX - bell, Bonejaw sniffing, growling/whimpering]
Astris:
Looks like two figures. They look like centaurs but smaller. I can't quite get a good look at them.
Thea:
Wait, I think I recognize them! It's the guards who led me to Oberon's glade. They must be here to show us the way! (pause) I'm so glad you found us! We need to get to Oberon as quickly as possible!
[SFX - bell sounds in the distance]
DM:
The figures approach at the same steady pace, each with a pike in their hand. What Thea and the others find when the figures get close enough to see detail chills them. Sallow skin, fatal wounds, and hollow eyes that flicker with pale green flame greet them as the horror sets in.
Astris:
Get back Thea! That's not them! At least not anymore.
Thea:
Gods what have they done to them… The necromancer must be here too.
[SFX - arrow rattle in quiver, bow draw]
Gilthaniel:
You two go on ahead. Me and Bonejaw will handle this.
Thea:
(upset/torn huffing) Gilt, please be safe.
[SFX - lute strum]
Here. A little luck, from me.
Astris:
Come on Thea! Let's go!
[SFX - footsteps running, Bonejaw barking, arrows hitting]
Scene 3: Meanwhile, In Utopia
[Ext: Utopia Gate. Rhox, Khor, Gurt, Ser Maryam]
[SFX - battle shits, door ramming, chainmail jingle]
Ser Maryam:
Yes! That's it! Break the door down! Victory is almost at hand. Our lord Smiler will be victorious in destroying the false gods and we shall retake our city of Utopia!!
[SFX - troops cheer]
DM:
The city gates are beginning to show signs of breaking. Archers on the walls shoot down into the mass of Covenant soldiers as they swarm the cracking gate. Inside the walls, the heifer-warriors and spiderfolk stand ready for the incoming onslaught.
DM:
Buildings are boarded up and barricades block the streets in an effort to strategically funnel the Covenant through the city. Numerous Utopian squadrons occupy choke points in an effort to buy time and limit casualties.
DM:
Khor stands atop the tower near the town square in the upper levels of the city. Rhox stands by his side as they take stock of their readiness.
[SFX - archers, equipment jangling, door ramming throughout scene until it breaks]
Khor:
Well, Rhox, this is it. This is the moment we've been preparing for.
Rhox:
I can't believe the time is already here.
Khor:
We've done everything we can. Thea and Astris have connected us with strong and capable allies. Everyone knows the stakes, everyone is committed.
Rhox:
They're strong Khor, probably some of the best I've ever worked with. Everyone knows their positions and where to fall back to. We'll have the Covenant corralled just how we want them.
Gurt:
(message)
Commander Khor, the Slime Queens have their men in position. At your word they will send them to destroy the Covenant military encampment.
Khor:
Excellent Gurt, thank you. Keep the lines of communication open. I'll need your help relaying orders throughout the city.
[SFX - gate crashing open, soldier rabble, Covenant chaaring]
DM:
The front gates of the city finally give under the constant bombardment of the battering ram. Covenant begin to pour into the city clashing with the first line of defense.
Ser Maryam:
The city is ours! Take it! Under his Smile!
[SFX - weapon clash, soldier rabble, spell slinging]
Rhox:
Time for me to join the fray. Can't let my soldiers have all the fun.
Khor:
Be safe, Rhox.
[SFX - bro shoulder pats]
Rhox:
You too, Khor.
Scene 4: Save Daddy
[Ext: Feywild. DM, Astris, Thea, Kinkfloof, Oberon, Smiler, Necromancer, Gilthaniel]
[SFX - running footsteps through leaves, trees in the wind, Oberon in pain, constant laser beam]
DM:
As Thea, Astris and Kinkfloof quickly make their way down the path they come to a tangle of impassable vines. Oberon's cries of pain can be heard echoing throughout the forest.
[SFX - Oberon: cries of pain behind DM]
Thea:
Oberon! Can’t you hear him! (beat) Fuck! We need to get past these damned vines!
x
Astris:
Leave that to me Thea! I’ll get us in!
[SFX - vine hack slash]
[SFX - Astris: effort]
Thea:
Faster Astris!
Astris:
I'm trying! Damn it! I can’t break through!
Thea:
Move! Let me try something!
[SFX - plant whispers, vines retreat]
[SFX - Thea: saying some shit]
Astris:
Wow, that actually worked! Wait! Wait, Thea! I still can't get through…
Thea:
The feywild must recognize me!
[SFX - Oberon: pained groans]
Thea:
Astris, I have to go! He's in pain! Find me!
x
[SFX - Thea takes off running, fade her voice out]
Astris:
Wait, Thea! (sigh) And there she goes.
Kinkfloof:
We really need to get her a leash.
Astris:
I think she might like that a little too much, Kinkfloof.
[SFX - more hack and slash]
[SFX - running in leaves, Thea: panting]
DM:
Thea busts into the glade and sees Oberon chained to a stone obelisk. A beam of pure sickness irradiates him to his very core. Her eyes follow the beam to the large bile-colored crystal fashioned at the end of a long metal tube that sits upon a bulky console. The wagon-sized device sits on the far end of the glade.
DM:
Standing before Oberon is The Smiler; not an avatar, but Eelio himself. He’s tall and slim with cracks throughout his pale chest, where black smoke licks at his body like flame. One of his eyes is golden while the other is consumed by the same flickering darkness as the rest of him. His dark hair wafts in a non-existent breeze.
[SFX - Thea: catches her breath]
Thea:
Oberon!
Oberon:
Thea! Ru- (gets cut off by sudden mouth gag)
[SFX - slaps a gag over Oberon's mouth]
Smiler:
Oh Thea! How nice of you to join us.
[SFX - Oberon: muffled yelling]
Thea:
Eelio! I’m gonna-- (gasp)
[SFX - bell ring, scuffle, zombie sounds, blade draw]
Necromancer:
Make one move towards my master and my undead friend will slit your pretty little throat.
Smiler:
Ah, allow me to introduce my associate, Belladonna Corvis. She is a very talented Necromancer, I believe you witnessed her handy work on the Flaming Coast.
Thea:
(strained)
Yeah… it was a real fuckin horror show.
Necromancer:
You will make such an interesting puppet once that heart of yours stops beating.
Astris:
(out of breath)
Thea! What the fuck — no! Let go of her.
Smiler:
Right on time Astris. Always running after that one, aren't you?
Necromancer:
Take another step and we'll see if her insides are as pretty as her outsides.
Smiler:
Oh, don't kill her yet. The fun hasn't even begun.
Thea:
So impatient, Bella. Looks like my insides will be staying where they are.
[SFX - bond villain walking and talking]
Smiler:
(laughter) The two of you could not have made this easier! I knew that you'd come for my brother, so thank you for gathering everyone I need to kill in one place. Saves me the trouble of looking for you.
[SFX - boot shift in leaves, chainmail rustle]
Smiler:
Now now Astris, none of that. Nothing funny or my associate rings her bell and we see how much blood is in Thea's body.
Thea:
(growl)
Smiler:
(throat clear) Really, you should be honored. You're about to witness history in the making. All these repetitions of the timeline have only allowed me to perfect my plan. This will be a much cleaner execution than Argos was.
[SFX - pats laser]
Smiler:
Argos was so messy. But I was younger then, less patient. It's taken me literal eons to find all the parts of him scattered across Null. Would you believe that the final, and most important pieces were lost to the sands of what you now call the Flaming Coast?
Thea:
(restrained struggle)
The mining…
Smiler:
Yes, well done Thea. Points for you. (pause) It turns out, the best way to kill a god is with another god. The crystallized blood of our brother Argos is what powers this wonderful contraption. It's all rather brilliant.
Astris:
That's fucked up.
Smiler:
And for being such a thorn in my side, I’m going to personally kill all of your loved ones. Maybe if I'm feeling gracious I won't make you watch. (laugh) This is your last chance to join me and save your friends, Thea.
Thea:
I'd literally rather die!
Smiler:
I can literally arrange that!
Oberon:
(yelling muffled through gag)
Uuuuuuuuuuu mm!! mm!!
DM:
As the Smiler is expositing, Kinkfloof jumps down from a tree bough and bites the undead holding Thea. His sharp feline fangs inject the paralyzing toxin into the undead's shoulder. It staggers and drops to the ground.
Necromancer:
I'll replace your eyes with citrine gems.
DM:
The Necromancer moves to toll one of her bells when suddenly, her side of the room falls completely silent. An arrow shoots through her wrist, causing the bell to fall soundlessly to the ground. The dome of silence dissipates and chaos resumes.
[SFX - owl hooting right before silence, magic silence, silence ends, barking, battle chaos]
Necromancer:
(hiss) What?!
Smiler:
Very cute, Strix. Too much of a coward to show your face hmm?
[ENTER - GILTHANIEL]
Gilthaniel:
Thea go! I've got you! Save the Green God!
Kinkfloof:
Ahhhh! Someone stop this undead ride! I wanna get off!
Astris:
Hide up in the tree limbs Kinkfloof! Smiler! You're mine!
[SFX - behind DM Gilthaniel: fighting efforts]
[SFX - behind DM Necromancer: fighting efforts]
[SFX - behind DM Astris: fighting efforts]
[SFX - behind DM Smiler: fighting efforts]
[SFX - behind DM, footsteps, Thea: panting]
[SFX - battle sounds, the rest of the owl]
DM:
Thea bobs and weaves her way through the fray to the magic laser and tries to make sense of the knobs and levers. Gilthaniel covers her movement as best he can as she frets over what to push or pull.
Thea:
What the fuck does any of this do?! (frustrated growl) Oberon, hold on! (grrr effort)
[SFX - knobs turning, buttons pushing, levers pulling, laser climax and power down]
DM:
With the weapon powered down Gilthaniel and Bonejaw fight to keep the Necromancer away from Thea as Astris fights the Smiler. Thea rushes to Oberon's side and tries to free him.
Thea:
Oberon! It's okay, I'm here! (struggling) The restraints won't budge! Fuck fuck come on!
Oberon:
(struggling, near death)
Thea… It - it is okay… thank y– (death exhale)
Thea:
Oberon! Oberon! Noooooo!!
Astris:
Thea! Fuck… no. No!
Smiler:
(victorious laughter) Yes!
Gilthaniel:
Astris! Look out!
[SFX - archery, arrow hit]
Smiler:
(hit by arrow effort) I'm sorry, who are you? Be gone!
DM:
The Smiler waves his hand and sends Gilthaniel and Bonejaw flying backwards. Battered and barely standing, Astris is the last person standing between the Smiler and Thea. Lost in her grief, Thea wails over Oberon’s lifeless body.
[SFX - Thea: sad meow meow x1000]
[SFX - tree impact, sad borf, Smiler footsteps approaching]
Smiler:
(laughter) You failed.
Astris:
(weak, desperate)
No! This can't happen. Not like this. Lilith! Lilith we need you! Mother please!
[SFX - spooky Lilith summoning]
Scene 5: Magic Mommy
[Int: Liminal Space. DM, Astris, Lilith]
[SFX - dripping chains space noises]
DM:
The light in the glade dims and everything around Astris slows to a halt. The presence of Lilith can be felt before she’s heard.
Lilith:
You called, my daughter?
Astris:
Mother Lilith! Please give me your strength! Give me the power to save my friends, let me save Thea. I accept your gift of the blood, make me a vampire.
Lilith:
Are you sure? Once given it cannot be taken back. Immortality can be a curse to those ill-equipped to handle it.
Astris:
I understand, and I’m ready. Make me a true daughter of the Ribbon.
[SFX - heartbeat, pulse, blood sounds]
DM:
Lilith bends forward, embracing her tenderly as Astris drinks the blood. It’s hot, and thick, and tastes of iron, but she takes it all. Astris falls to her knees, clutching her stomach as the pain of transformation spikes through her.
[SFX - behind DM Astris: retching, pain, panting]
Lilith:
Very good. The discomfort will pass and you will be reborn anew. (pause. Attention shift to the Smiler) Not so fast little brother.
DM:
Eelio starts moving slowly as he fights against the effects of Lilith’s magic. With a sneer she flicks his forehead and sends him crashing into the trees surrounding the glade. Astris gets to her feet; her perception sharper and her muscles stronger than before.
[SFX - crash into trees, big ol boom]
Astris:
You’re in for it now, Eelio.
Scene 6: Utopia Cutaway
[Ext: Utopia. DM, Rhox, Francesca, Khor, Gurt, Ser Maryam]
[SFX: battle battle battle battle]
[SFX - bottle clinking, medical commotion]
Francesca:
(giving orders, frantic yet in control)
Take these potions to the front line! - Use this ointment on that burn! - Take her to bed seven! - I’m sorry there’s nothing we can do for him now.
(beat) (sigh) Please hurry Astris…
[SFX - boom, explosion, stone walls crumbling]
DM:
The Covenant has blown out sections of the walls as more and more of them pour into the city. The defending forces are beginning to pull back to the upper levels of the city. Khor and Rhox are fighting side by side as waves of Covenant break on their lines.
[SFX - all that]
Ser Maryam:
Push forward! We have them on the back foot! Victory is within our grasp!
Khor:
(mid-fight, out of breath)
They're pushing deeper into the city! We need to pull back Rhox, it’s almost time! Give the order! The tide is shifting. We've done all we can to keep them out, now it's time to make them regret getting in. Operation Raging Bull.
Rhox:
(mid-fight, out of breath)
Warriors of Free Utopia pull back! Pull back!
[SFX - Khor: fighting efforts]
[SFX - Rhox: fighting efforts]
Gurt:
(message)
Khor, reports say most of the covenant forces are within the walls. Should I send them in?
Khor:
(mid-fight, out of breath)
Gurt, deploy the bulls.
DM:
With that, a stream of battle ready minotaur burst from the ground outside Utopia. They charge into the city, flanking the covenant army and causing chaos and destruction.
[SFX - wow bulls bursting from the ground, baddies screaming scared]
Rhox:
(fighting, out of breath, amused)
Well they sound like they're doing their job. Let's hope this buys us a little time before Astris and Q get back.
Scene 7: Anyway, Back to Daddy
[Ext: Feywild. DM, Astris, Thea, Kinkfloof, Gilthaniel, Strix, Oberon, Lilith, Smiler, Necromancer]
[SFX - crashing sound]
Smiler:
(pained noise/annoyed groan) Very unsporting Lilith.
Lilith:
I grow weary of your endless scheming, little brother. Time to end this.
DM:
The Smiler gracelessly gets to his feet, the cracks in his physical facade widen and crumble. More black smoke licks at him through the deepening wounds. Lilith and Astris attack him in unison, he's barely able to fend off their joint attack but he hangs on.
Astris:
I am done with your shit! You've ruined enough lives! I'm not letting you ruin any more!
[SFX - Astris: fighting efforts
Smiler: fighting efforts
Lilith: fighting efforts]
Smiler:
That's big talk for someone who has to look up while yelling at me.
Astris:
(growl) Shut up! Shut up forever!
[SFX - crossfade from Astris to Thea]
[SFX - behind DM Thea: (ugly crying)]
DM:
Thea is pressed against Oberon sobbing into his still chest. She doesn't notice the Necromancer slink over to the laser console to start the machine again.
[SFX - step]
Strix:
(chuckle) And where do you think you're going, Miss Necromancer?
Necromancer:
(injured/worse for wear. Stilled in place)
I can't move. What have you done to me?
Strix:
I grow tired of your interference. Goodbye to you now.
[SFX - snap, suck-pop]
DM:
With a snap of Strix's fingers the Necromancer vanishes. Strix goes to help a weeping Thea get Oberon down from his bindings. Thea rests his head on her lap as she smooths his hair from his face.
Strix:
I am sorry Thea. If it is any consolation, you are unlike any of his previous chosen. I believe you to be the only one that actually loved him. (pause attention shift) Say your goodbyes, I'll help them hold off Eelio.
[SFX - angry owl/feather sounds as Strix joins the frey]
Thea:
Thank you Strix. (to Oberon) Oberon, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't fast enough. I told you I was just a singer! Why did you choose me, you big idiot?
DM:
Thea pounds on his chest in frustration as a warm golden glow begins to emanate from her. She cries harder, and holds him tighter as the chromatic diamond in her horn floats from its fastening and hovers above Oberon.
[SFX - magic shit]
Thea:
What the fuck, what's happening? Come back to me, Oberon.
DM:
The golden glow erupts and the diamond shatters into millions of sparkles. The diamond dust rains over Oberon as his body absorbs the glow.
[SFX - music: bRing mE tO lifE]
[SFX - Oberon: gasp]
Oberon:
(cough cough) Thea? My sparkling diamond… is it you?
Thea:
(crying) Oberon! Oberon I thought I lost you!
Oberon:
(weak but adoring)
You brought me back. I heard you, felt your presence. Thea, you pulled my spirit back into my body.
Thea:
(kiss) We have the Master Smith of Sedimenterra partly to thank. But come on, I need to get you out of here.
Oberon:
No, my deadly little pitcher plant. I can feel my strength returning and my brother must pay for making you cry.
Smiler:
What?! NO, NO, YOU WERE DEAD!
Oberon:
You will soon wish I was, brother.
DM:
Oberon grows in size until he rivals the trees. He picks the weakened Smiler up and pins him to the stone obelisk. The stone melts around his wrists and ankles holding him in place.
Smiler:
(angry, thrashing) How dare you! I'm so close to finally making this world peaceful! Oberon, Lilith - please!
Lilith:
You've crossed too many lines to count little brother.
Oberon:
You killed me, Eelio. If not for my chosen, I would be cold on the ground. There can be no peace between us.
Smiler:
(pleading)
Strix! Back away from the weapon! Strix you must see reason! You of all people understand what I'm trying to do! The lasting peace I'm trying to bring!
Strix:
I do. But your means do not justify the ends. I am sorry Eelio. I never wanted this. Truly.
Smiler:
(sorrowful rage)
You're all weak! You've always been weak and you lack my vision! If only you could see what I'm trying to do!
Oberon:
(resigned, sorrowful)
Do it Strix.
DM:
Strix nods as her fingers fly over the console. The weapon begins powering up again. Thea and Astris hold Kinkfloof between them as they watch the Gods of Null exact judgment on their brother.
[SFX - weapon charge, laser vroom]
Kinkfloof:
So this is it, huh?
Thea:
I think so, little guy.
Astris:
We couldn't have done it without you Kinkfloof.
DM:
The energy beam fires at the Smiler. He glares daggers at them all as his form begins to crack and splinter. The force of the beam pushing him into the stone slowly breaks him apart until all that's left is an indentation of his shape.
Oberon:
It was an ugly business, but it is done.
[SFX - footsteps, dog bark]
Gilthaniel:
(groggy) What just happened? Did we win?
Thea:
Gilt! Oh! You're bleeding, come here!
[SFX - cure wounds]
Astris:
Okay we need to get back to Utopia. The Smiler may be gone, but his followers are still attacking the city!
Lilith:
Save your strength, Oberon. Strix and I will prepare the portal.
[SFX - magic, portal sounds]
Thea:
Oberon, can we bring the obelisk with us to Utopia? I have an idea.
Scene 8: Gods in Utopia
[Ext: Utopia. Evening. DM, Thea, Astris, Oberon, Lilith, Strix, Rhox, Khor, Gurt, Ser Maryam]
[SFX: battle battle battle]
Ser Maryam:
(pained sound) No! I can't feel him anymore… My Lord Smiler what has happened? I can no longer feel your benevolent smile…
DM:
It's a hot rainy summer night in Utopia as the battle rages on. The humidity of the night only adds to the misery, as both armies struggle against the thick, muggy air. The remaining forces have pulled back to the upper-level courtyard where Rhox and Khor fight back to back.
Rhox:
(exhausted)
Damn it Khor! I can barely breathe! The air's as thick as water!
Khor:
(exhausted)
I know Rhox, but we’ve got to hold out!
Gurt:
(message)
Slime Queens are reporting heavy losses, the rear flank is beginning to crumble. Francesca reports being over capacity in the medical ward.
Khor:
We’ve just got to hold on for a little longer!
Rhox:
Come on Q, please be okay…
DM:
There’s a boom of thunder and lightning as the wind picks up, easing the humidity. A swirl of leaves and red smoke appear to descend from the sky, as the air smells strangely like a library. In a blinding flash of light the Gods of Null, their chosen, and Gilthaniel all appear in the main square - the Smiler stone in the center of them.
[SFX - leaves]
Oberon:
Mortals of Null, never fear! Your gods have returned to you!
Thea:
We're back! And we brought friends!
Rhox:
Sweets! Baby! I knew you'd make it back!
DM:
Thea's wings flutter into existence as she takes to the air. Her ladies flit around her, happy to be back to full strength. She strums Trent before addressing the armies.
[SFX - wings, ladies, lute strum]
Thea:
(amplified)
Covenant forces lay down your arms! Your God is dead! Killed by the rightful Gods of Null! Look! This stone bears his indentation, his final moments! Here it will stay as a reminder of a history we must never repeat! So I say again, Covenant! Lay down your arms and surrender! You have lost!
[SFX - fighting gets quieter, cheering, scared retreat]
Ser Maryam:
No! No you cowards! Don't you dare run from this! Turn! Fight! Fight for your Lord Smiler!
[SFX - fleeing sounds, armor clang, running]
Astris:
It's over Ser Maryam!
Lilith:
(laughter) Oh I do enjoy watching them flee in terror. Run little humans!
Strix:
I will see to the medical tents. I'm sure my chosen Francesca is in need of assistance.
Oberon:
We have things covered here sister. Leave the rest to us.
DM:
The Covenant soldiers trip over themselves trying to turn tail and flee. The Utopian forces give chase, driving them from the city. Ser Maryam stands tall amongst the chaos, barking orders that no one follows.
DM:
Thea flies back down to the ground and lands next to Rhox who scoops her up and bearhugs her. Ser Maryam lunges at them in a moment of crazed desperation. Astris blocks the blow with her shield, knocking the sword from Ser Maryam's hand.
[SFX - Ser Maryam: lunging effort]
[SFX - fast vampire, shield strike]
Thea:
(startled gasp)
Astris:
No!
Rhox:
Paladin! I won't let you escape this time!
Thea:
Stand down baby, this is Astris’ fight.
Astris:
Enough, Maryam.
Ser Maryam:
You are a fool Astris. Even without my god, you are no match for me. You never have been. You've always been pathetic and impure. How could you possibly measure up to me?
Astris:
No Maryam. You're the one who's wrong, not me. All my life you had me walking on eggshells to please you! Nothing was ever good enough for you! I've learned a lot since then and I know now it was never about my worth. It was about you being able to control me. This ends here, I won't let you hurt me or anyone else anymore.
Ser Maryam:
You can't stop me Astris!
DM:
Ser Maryam pulls out her belt dagger and tries to stab Astris, but Astris grabs it with her bare hand. The blade bites into Astris’ palm causing blood to run down its edge.
Astris:
I'm tired Maryam. Stop.
Ser Maryam:
(spits)
Astris:
(sigh) Fine.
[SFX - hissing, melting, burning sound]
Ser Maryam:
(pained scream)
Lilith:
Astris is my paladin and daughter. Magic is in her very blood and she knows how to use it. Pity about your hands, seems they're fused to that blade now.
Astris:
You can't hurt anyone anymore Ser Maryam. Just go. I never want to see you again.
[SFX - Armor jangle, leaving footsteps, fist swing, wrist catch, sizzle]
[SFX - Ser Maryam: ragged breathing, desperate lunge effort]
Astris:
Why can't you just leave me alone!? All you had to do was walk away!
DM:
Astris smites Ser Maryam with her bleeding hand, enveloping her in a fiery blaze that consumes her whole.
Ser Maryam:
(burning scream. Not necessarily drawn out, but strong and final.)
[SFX - smite, fire whoosh]
Lilith:
I am proud of you, my daughter.
[SFX - Thea footsteps]
Thea:
Astris! Are you alright?! Let me heal your hand!
Astris:
(exhausted)
Thanks Thea. Hey, did we do it?
Thea:
(exhausted)
Yeah. Yeah Astris. I think the power of friendship worked.
[SFX - healing]
Lilith:
We chose well this cycle, brother.
Oberon:
We did, Lilith. And we owe them everything.
Scene 9: Big Yub Big Nub
[Int: Great Hall. Later that night. DM, Astris, Thea, Kinkfloof, Khor, Rhox, Francesca, Gurt, Lilith, Oberon, Strix, AJ Quinn]
[SFX - chatter walla, mugs clinking, music]
AJ Quinn:
(singing)
Well they found that dungeon and fucked that dragon and that was just the start.
DM:
The post battle revelry is unlike any Null has ever seen. Thousands of people throughout the city of Utopia and beyond celebrate the end of the Covenants rule.
[SFX - message]
Gurt:
(message all)
(A little drunk)
Hello everyone! Report time! I’ve checked in with the various captains and Utopia is secured. Carmilla is leading a small group of Lilithites to dispatch fleeing Covenant leaders.
Gurt:
But let us not worry about that right now! The Smiler is dead and Utopia is a free city! We won, now let's enjoy the party!
Astris:
Gurt, are you drunk? I didn’t know you could get drunk.
Gurt:
Oh we slime queens have our ways. There are many to serve us now and the power is a little intoxicating.
Astris:
(awkward laugh) Ahhhh that. Well, have fun and try not to get a hangover!
[SFX - end message]
Khor:
The city is being cleared of the dead and repairs will be under way in the morning. They’re working in shifts so everyone can enjoy the celebration.
Astris:
Everyone’s so happy. It’s hard to believe we finally did it. We beat the Smiler. Like we’re allowed to relax now? What's that?
Francesca:
I know, it’s hard to believe it’s almost been half a year since you and Thea tried to bluff your way into my Abbey. But, as I recall, you had a dream you wanted to tell me about when you got back Astris?
Astris:
Oh yeah, I almost forgot! So the big Smiler snake trapped us in dreams we’d never want to wake up from - and my dream was opening a school with you Esca. I wanna make the kind of place I wish we’d grown up. Somewhere full of love.
[SFX - Francesca: kiss]
Francesca:
I’d love to, Astris. That’s a beautiful dream and I’d love to make it come true.
Astris:
Really? Aw, shucks.
AJ Quinn:
(singing)
Ten years gone, the world movin’ on, like the stank from a fart
DM:
While Astris and Francesca have some well-deserved time to themselves - Thea and Rhox emerge disheveled from a room down the hall.
Thea:
Oh it has been far far too long since we did that.
Rhox:
Well, we've got nothing but time now Sweets. And we’ve got a lot to make up for.
Thea:
I plan on keeping a place in Utopia for when I’m here. But I have a feeling I’m going to be busy. Good busy, not ‘the fate of the world rests on my gorgeous shoulders’ busy.
Rhox:
(teasing) Gonna go on a victory tour, Q?
AJ Quinn:
Suckin' and fuckin' and doin the drugs, who's even got time to sleep?
[SFX - guitar solo]
Thea:
Well someone has to spread the news and be the face of this operation.
Rhox:
Just don't be gone too long, ten years without you was long enough.
Thea:
I will always come back to you Rhox. Nothing can keep me away. And with leyline travel I can get around so much faster. You can come with me if you like.
Rhox:
(chuckle) I'd love to, Sweets - but it seems I've gone and made myself important here. Khor wants to keep me on as the head of the Utopian military. Even though I hope we don't need it.
Thea:
Oooo that's so official! Very far from the mercenary I grew up with. Are you happy?
Rhox:
Yeah, Q. I think I am. Now that we're not constantly being hunted by the Covenant I can actually think about the future.
Thea:
And what do you see? Hmm?
Rhox:
A see a lot of sunshine. Sweat and hard work. I'll be glad to continue working with the troops that wanna stay. They're some of the finest I've ever worked with.
Rhox:
Outside of spending as much time with you as possible, I'm not sure. Maybe start a sports team? It's like you always said, Q - ‘People need to have fun.’
Thea:
(laughs) Oh so you did listen to me! But, no I love that! It's very fitting as you've never been one to sit still.
Khor:
(in the distance)
Rhox! Thea!
Thea:
Ah there's Khor over with Astris and Francesca. You go ahead over, I still have hands to shake.
Rhox:
(knowing, amused) Uh huh. Don't work too hard, Sweets.
[SFX - footsteps fading away]
AJ Quinn:
(singing)
Tired, weak and wandering in the darkness so long and so deep.
Khor:
Ah there you are Rhox. Can't have our brave General miss out on the celebration.
Rhox:
Sorry about that. Q and I had some catching up to do. She's still making the rounds.
Astris:
Oh yeah, catching up with you is something she’s been talking about for weeks.
Francesca:
Speaking of needing to catch up on some things - Astris. I’m very curious to see if anything has changed since you became a vampire.
Astris:
(sputters)
Oh! Well I mean everything is still where it’s supposed to be at least. (lower voice) And um, the chastity belt comes off now.
Francesca:
Well then, let us excuse ourselves for a short while.
Rhox:
Avoid the second floor, third room on the right. Trust me.
Astris:
I uh okay.
DM:
As Francesca and Astris find themselves a quiet room, they see Thea leading Jax, the minotaur, into the room Rhox warned them about.
Thea:
Come on, big boy.
AJ Quinn:
(singing)
That’s when my lilac baby found me, turns out I’m her dad but not her daddy.
[SFX - slight plate, glass, and utensil clatter]
Kinkfloof:
Alright BJ, here's the plan. I'm gonna ride on your back while we cruise the buffet tables. Bark when we pass a food you want and I'll knock it on the floor.
[SFX - borf borf]
Kinkfloof:
That's right! The two-legs can't have all the fun! (more to himself) Oh I will find my cheesy jalapeño chicken fingers. Oh yes!
AJ Quinn:
(singing)
They say it’s wetter down where it’s better, and honey you can trust in me.
Gilthaniel:
There you are Thea, I've been looking for you.
Thea:
Sorry about that, it's a busy night. Lots of people to…see. Where's Bonejaw? I don't think I've ever seen you two apart.
Gilthaniel:
Ah, I saw him and Kinkfloof sniffing around the buffet.
Thea:
That's cute, and they both know not to eat chocolate so we should be good.
Gilthaniel:
I wanted to catch you before the night is over, Bonejaw and I will probably head out before sunrise.
Thea:
What? Why? There's a whole thing we have planned for tomorrow! Speeches! More parties! I'm putting on a show! You helped us save Null, don't you want some credit?
Gilthaniel:
I'm not one for titles and accolades. I'm just happy the land will calm down again, and that you will be safe. Fame has never been something I've sought after.
Thea:
I literally don't understand, but before you go, I'd love a chance for us to settle my tab.
Gilthaniel:
(a little about to get lucky swagger)
You're lucky I don't charge interest.
[SFX - footsteps leaving]
AJ Quinn:
(singing)
All sun, no shade, evil weapons getting made.
Astris:
There you are Thea! I've been looking for you. (beat) You're walking surprisingly well for someone who's been as busy as you have this evening.
Thea:
Potions and magic, Astris. Potions and magic.
Astris:
I don’t know about you, but I’m about to pass out. I’m so tired I wanna sleep for a year but not really a whole year cause I don't wanna miss that much time again.
[SFX - bark in background, crashing plates]
Kinkfloof:
(distant)
Cheese it Bonejaw! We’ve been made!
Thea:
(amused sigh) I feel ya, I need to grab Oberon before turning in for the night. We should probably thank the Gods before we pass out.
Astris:
I left Francesca asleep in bed, so I don't wanna be gone too long.
[SFX - two footsteps walking off]
AJ Quinn:
(singing)
In comes Theez with her Green Guy, and then bam Lady Lilith va-va-voom!
Lilith:
And then Astris said they got a bag of powdered minotaur seed—
Strix:
That's a very powerful reagent. And they had no idea what it was? (sigh) How they saved the world is a wonder.
Oberon:
I have heard there is a particularly virile minotaur from a very reliable source.
Thea:
My ears were burning. What's up?
Oberon:
Ah, my Reliable Source.
Just discussing your various talents.
AJ Quinn:
(singing)
The White Knight and her Princess Cacophany, in this tale of Slash and Fucking!
Thea:
Did he just fucking call me the Princess Cacophony? (huff) It’s like he’s getting everything wrong on purpose… I swear I heard him call Oberon the Green Guy earlier.
Astris:
It's cute, Thea.
Thea:
(groan) It’s like his mission to embarrass me.
Lilith:
(bemused)
I heard him talking about touring again.
Thea:
(groan) Of course he is. Come on Oberon, let us retire to one of the bedrooms I haven't destroyed yet. Later Gods!
Oberon:
I am looking forward to sleeping next to you tonight, my dearest. As a being who does not need sleep, I will be sure to savor the indulgence. (lifting effort)
[SFX - fabric rustle, Thea scoop, footsteps]
Thea:
(giggle) Oh honey no! (whispering)
Oberon:
(amused)
Ah! So we will not be sleeping after all…
[EXIT THEA and OBERON]
Strix:
Well on that note, I think I'll take my leave. It was nice to meet Francesca face to face, but I am tired. It has been a victorious, but sad day. I still mourn what Eelio used to be.
Lilith:
True, but seeing what he had become… It had to be done. (lifts glass) Here’s to our fallen siblings, that thankfully don’t include Oberon.
Strix:
To Argos and Eelio. May they now find rest.
[SFX - glasses cheers]
Astris:
And me and Thea didn't even die!
Strix:
(slight biting sarcasm)
Miraculous indeed. I bid you all good night.
[SFX - footsteps and staff walking away, portal sound then poof]
[EXIT STRIX]
Lilith:
Well, at least we don’t have to reset the cycles anymore. Those first few million years before you evolve is so boring.
Astris:
I, uh, guess you're stuck with us now. (beat) Thank you for choosing me, mother Lilith. Thank you for giving me the strength to protect my friends. Now that I have the gift of blood, I'll be learning a lot more from you.
Lilith:
That you will, my daughter. But that is for another day. Rest now. Go cuddle up with your fiery little owlet. I should return to the Ribbon.
Astris:
I will. Thank you, mother.
[SFX - Astris footsteps, Lilith heels, portal woosh, AJ Quinn all fucking night, party goes hard]
DM:
The party goes deep into the night and into the next dawn. AJ Quinn watches the sun rise over the rolling fields of the midlands, for the first time in decades.
AJ Quinn:
I think that song was my magnum opus. Ah, a magnum opus befitting my magnum dong. (sigh) Good morning Null, it's good to see you again baby.
Scene 10: Epilogue
[Ext: Hill. Midlands. Day. Thea, Astris]
[SFX - daytime sounds, wind in the grass, Thea wings]
Thea:
Astris! Sorry I'm late! I was working on a song with dad for this weekend's show. But oof, he's driving me crazy. I'm trying to convince him to do a show in Cordelia, but he's dragging his feet. Something about the wrong end being a fish? Whatever.
Astris:
(laughs) It's cute that the two of you perform together sometimes. When you're not too busy climbing Oberon like a tree, or locked up in a room with Rhox that is.
Thea:
Yeah it's mostly that neither of us can let the other one steal the spotlight. It's an endless tug of war. (sigh) Anyway, Francesca back from the Flaming Coast yet?
Astris:
She should be back in a month or two. She’s helping Strix and Jessica clean up the whole Argos mining site.
Thea:
Glad to hear that clean up is going well. But did Franny really run off and leave you in charge of the building of y'all's school?
Astris:
Yeah but I don’t mind. I’m excited to see her face when she sees how much has been done. It’s right outside Utopia. Khor has been really helpful in connecting us with builders and stuff.
Thea:
That’s nice of him! I know he has his hands full trying to create some sort of representative government. The Wise Master is helping advise but even then it’s a lot. Rhox says he’s not sleeping well, but that’s just the price you pay for being elected the Archon of Utopia.
Astris:
I was hanging with Gurt and apparently she’s been helping Khor with communication to all the different leaders. Especially with the people of the underground - the minotaur village, the slime queens and Sedimenterra.
Thea:
Shit that sounds like a lot of work. Glad it’s not my job any more!
Astris:
Yeah it’s been nice these last few years not having to save the world or anything.
Thea:
It’s been wild showing Oberon around Null. He hasn’t seen it properly in hundreds of years, it's like he's seeing some of it for the first time. It's honestly really cute.
Astris:
Awww
Thea:
Oberon helped me rebuild my house in Haven. Since it's so close to the feywild, he wants to have a good relationship with the town. Gilthaniel has been back around Haven too, and Oh my Gods Astris, can you believe he still had my stuff?! All that sheet music! All those costumes! He's a good one.
Astris:
I, for one, was really worried about your stuff.
Thea:
Oh, but it's amazing Astris, so much magic is returning to the land and the people. It's like things are going back to how they were meant to be before the Smiler. You and Franny might want to make that magic school of yours a little bigger.
Astris:
We've been feeling the magical resurgence even in the Midlands. Gurt says she can feel it too, apparently it can be felt even so far as Cordelia. I've learned Gurt and Galagos talk a lot.
Thea:
Aw, I kinda love that for them. Can Gurt even go in the water? You know what, never mind. How has training with Lilith and Camilla been?
Astris:
Oh! It's been going really well. I can't imagine having to figure all of this out on my own. The blood cravings were a little difficult at first, but a lot of people in the ribbon like the way it feels so it hasn't been a problem.
Thea:
Aw, you can always take a little sip of me if you need Astris. I'm honestly just glad you still come topside. I was afraid you wouldn't be able to enjoy a nice clear summer day like this again.
Astris:
I was worried too, but it turns out I just sparkle. Which has been really fun actually, it's a real conversation starter.
Thea:
Ahhhh, I love that! Ooooo I’ll use you like a mirrored dancing ball. Rhox has always been good with rope, I bet he can teach me how to string you up nice and comfortable like.
Astris:
Then I get to participate and I don't have to dance!
Thea:
(laugh)
Astris:
(laugh)
Thea:
Mmm, you know, when Oberon asked me if I wanted to be a demi-god I was nervous. Living forever seemed terrifying. But knowing you'd be there with me, made it easier.
Astris:
Aw Thea. I can't imagine anyone I'd rather spend forever with.
[SFX - wind in grass, take a beat]
Thea:
Back in Haven, I'm really glad you stole that paladin armor.
Astris:
Me too Thea.
END